4th Article - How to deal with an agry person
1) Don’t react instinctively – consider your first response. Most people respond to anger with a fight or flight reaction like defensiveness, aggressiveness, or avoidance. Nine times out of ten this only makes things worse. Two angry people fight, but one calm person and an angry one might find a solution.
2) Listen for the message behind the words. Anger is often misdirected: the real issue might not be the problem they initially confront you with. The person could be frustrated or afraid about something quite different, and it might not have anything to do with you. This is your best and possibly only chance to deal with their anger – give them your full attention!
3) Acknowledge that you heard how they feel. This doesn’t mean agree with the person. Tell the person that you can see that they are unhappy about the situation.
4) Ask a clarifying question. Not only will this help you understand what the person is saying, it shows them that you are listening and interested in finding out what is going on. It tends to defuse their anger by causing them to expand upon what they first said.
5) Repeat back. You can further defuse and clarify the situation by repeating what they have said. “If I’ve got this right, you’re concerned about (repeat what they have said here)”. This also gives you time to figure out the underlying issues and consider your response.
6) Expand upon what has been said. Try and put yourself in the other person’s shoes and address the issue. This shows that, in the brief time allotted, you have thought about what was said. “In light of your concern, that would mean . . ., right?” End with a question that encourages the other person to confirm that you are on the right track, and that they feel you are open.
7) Legitimize. Again, this doesn’t mean agree. It means that, based on where the other person is coming from, you can understand why they said what they said. “I can understand why that would cause a problem for you”.
8) Offer to explore solutions. This is different from offering solutions. If you offer a solution out of hand, you might be shot down. It is better to ask permission to participate in the problem solving process. Ask “Would it be helpful to you to consider what can be done to resolve this?” Keep the sentence generic and don’t say ‘we’ or ‘I’: you don’t want to inadvertently assume responsibility for a solution, because it may not be yours to assume. You want to promote feedback as to just how willing the person is to assume responsibility for finding a solution.
9) Establish your boundaries. You have asked reasonable questions and you are entitled to reasonable and courteous replies. If you don’t understand the problem or how you can help solve it, stand your ground. Point out, if necessary, that you are asking questions because of your concern that this person be able to solve the situation. Simply asking “what can I do to help?” might make the person realize that it really isn’t your responsibility to solve the problem.
10) Use as much force as necessary to enforce the boundaries you’ve set. Occasionally someone just won’t let go, and they will return to the same litany over an over, or throw in nasty digs or accusations that can be way off the mark. If you have listened, acknowledged, explored, legitimized, and offered and they just aren’t satisfied, you might have to make your stance clear. “I think I understand your concern, and I have offered to help you reach a solution. What more do you want?” If the person is unreasonable, judge just how far you need to go by observing their demeanor, and whether you feel the situation is salvageable. If they become verbally abusive, you can simply say “I’m sorry. I don’t believe I can help you any further, and I don’t appreciate your tone. If you are going to speak to me that way, I’m afraid you’ll have to work it out for yourself. I don’t appreciate abuse.”
Adapted from a www.topten.com article by Shale Paul
2) Listen for the message behind the words. Anger is often misdirected: the real issue might not be the problem they initially confront you with. The person could be frustrated or afraid about something quite different, and it might not have anything to do with you. This is your best and possibly only chance to deal with their anger – give them your full attention!
3) Acknowledge that you heard how they feel. This doesn’t mean agree with the person. Tell the person that you can see that they are unhappy about the situation.
4) Ask a clarifying question. Not only will this help you understand what the person is saying, it shows them that you are listening and interested in finding out what is going on. It tends to defuse their anger by causing them to expand upon what they first said.
5) Repeat back. You can further defuse and clarify the situation by repeating what they have said. “If I’ve got this right, you’re concerned about (repeat what they have said here)”. This also gives you time to figure out the underlying issues and consider your response.
6) Expand upon what has been said. Try and put yourself in the other person’s shoes and address the issue. This shows that, in the brief time allotted, you have thought about what was said. “In light of your concern, that would mean . . ., right?” End with a question that encourages the other person to confirm that you are on the right track, and that they feel you are open.
7) Legitimize. Again, this doesn’t mean agree. It means that, based on where the other person is coming from, you can understand why they said what they said. “I can understand why that would cause a problem for you”.
8) Offer to explore solutions. This is different from offering solutions. If you offer a solution out of hand, you might be shot down. It is better to ask permission to participate in the problem solving process. Ask “Would it be helpful to you to consider what can be done to resolve this?” Keep the sentence generic and don’t say ‘we’ or ‘I’: you don’t want to inadvertently assume responsibility for a solution, because it may not be yours to assume. You want to promote feedback as to just how willing the person is to assume responsibility for finding a solution.
9) Establish your boundaries. You have asked reasonable questions and you are entitled to reasonable and courteous replies. If you don’t understand the problem or how you can help solve it, stand your ground. Point out, if necessary, that you are asking questions because of your concern that this person be able to solve the situation. Simply asking “what can I do to help?” might make the person realize that it really isn’t your responsibility to solve the problem.
10) Use as much force as necessary to enforce the boundaries you’ve set. Occasionally someone just won’t let go, and they will return to the same litany over an over, or throw in nasty digs or accusations that can be way off the mark. If you have listened, acknowledged, explored, legitimized, and offered and they just aren’t satisfied, you might have to make your stance clear. “I think I understand your concern, and I have offered to help you reach a solution. What more do you want?” If the person is unreasonable, judge just how far you need to go by observing their demeanor, and whether you feel the situation is salvageable. If they become verbally abusive, you can simply say “I’m sorry. I don’t believe I can help you any further, and I don’t appreciate your tone. If you are going to speak to me that way, I’m afraid you’ll have to work it out for yourself. I don’t appreciate abuse.”
Adapted from a www.topten.com article by Shale Paul
posted by Lu Hill at 12:01 p.m.
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