The incurious case of the dead spark

You know that wonderful fantastic nervous feeling you get when you start to fall for someone, just a little bit? You know, when the object of your obsessed interest seems wonderful to you, even if you know he isn't . . . and you want to know everything about him and you think almost all of it sounds fascinating? And all the warning signals that maybe he isn't actually as fan-fucking-tabulous as you think he is can be ignored under this swell of hormones and uncanny awareness when he is around? Well, now I know how necessary that is.

There was this guy that I had a vague interest in for a while, and then suddenly he seemed interested in me, and I started to consider him seriously, and feel that nice gooshy anxious warm feeling for . . . and then, just when things looked promising but nothing binding was said, he switched his interest to someone who blatantly angled for him, and dated her for a month. So, nothing really lost, right? He clearly wasn't as interested, and I told myself it was his loss, and most of the time believed it. But the things that I had always liked about him were still there, and so when things between him and the other girl tapered off, he makes a really nice apology and says how dumb he was, and how he really wished he hadn't gotten distracted, etc etc.

So, I did what came naturally - I put him through the wringer. It helped that he made this confession after I had had lots of beer at a party, and the other girl . . . a friend of mine, no less . . . was giving me the evil eye as this guy started flirting with me again. So I felt bad, but realized that it was the guy's fault, and let him have it. It was a lot of fun, actually, and he didn't seem to be scared off, which was interesting. Anyways, I was still naturally wary of him, and never made it easy for him . . . and then, when things never really went beyond a few dates, I really couldn't be bothered about it. Well, why not? As I said, the basic things that once had me so fascinated were still there, and now he seemed to be really trying, and I could even understand the thing with the other girl . . . but nope, the spark died, and I couldn't be bothered to work that hard to rekindle it.

So, now I know how important that spark is. Without it, how can you really go through all the potentially embarassing and important things before you know the other person and what they like, and become a couple in fact instead of just intention? Without that cushion of optimism and heightened self-awareness and giddy interest in the other person clouding your mind, what is the fun of baring large parts of yourself, literally and figuratively? Especially when, with your unclouded vision, you can actually make a relatively levelheaded asessment of the other person and their faults, and your mutual incompatibilities that are guaranteed to tick one or both of you off, sooner or later. And then, because you can already notice them, it kind of starts to be sooner . . . and you wonder, why all this effort?

And something else starts to happen . . . the part of you, that blatantly optimistic and curious part . . . . starts to tingle again, and it whispers something to you like "That guy in your bio lab was really rather hot and definitely interesting, and maybe you should have checked him out a bit more instead of that other guy . . . maybe he's the one you really want want". And suddenly, the other guy, with the known factors that you mostly like, really seems to have all kinds of limitations . . . while this new guy could be anything. His potential is infinite, especially since you don't really know him yet. And isn't that most of the fun, getting to know him?